Wednesday, July 25, 2007

The Moment of Truth

Hello welcome to the first installment of "Ask H." The post where I answer questions, make fun of drunken Sconnies (redundant to call them drunken), and talk about how awesome -R- and Nat are.

Marmite Breath said...

Dear H,
What made you fall in love with -R- and what has been the secret of your marriage so far?
Also, how awesome did you think I was in person? Be honest. PS) The only correct answer is, "VERY AWESOME, NAT!"

Dear Marmite Breath,

I fell in love with -R- the moment she started dancing around her apartment on our second date singing songs by the spice girls. Our secret (we have been married less than two years) is she is in love with me and I cannot blame her. You are awesome in fact you are very awesome. And tiny.

janet said...

Dear H,

Should I really let my husband buy a giant flat screen TV? Are you SURE it has made your life better? :)

Dear Janet,

Let me answer your question with another question. Should you let your husband be miserable? If you answer "yes" then do not get him a tv. If "no" then get him a tv. If by better you mean WAY BETTER then yes it has made my life better.

3carnations said...

I'm not asking a question, because I don't believe he will post. Like he has any spare time now that he has his -R- sized TV...

Dear 3carnations,

You are wrong.

P.S. SUCK IT.

lizgwiz said...

Dear H,

If your house caught on fire, which would you carry out first, your lovely wife or your ginormous TV? And yeah, I know -R- has legs of her own, and the TV doesn't, but let's pretend she is immobilized with fear or smoke inhalation or something. ;)

Dear Lizgwiz,

I don't know if you noticed this but, I am 6'5'', 240 lbs and can bench press a car. Therefore I would save both at the same time and call the fire department using telepathy.

stefanie said...

I would like to know what H has against Wisconsinites.
Also, since H feels that R "wastes [her] Christmases" by asking for non-worthy or worthwhile gifts, I would like to know what H's favorite gift ever was?

Dear Stefanie,

I have nothing against Sconnies (wisconsinites). Oh, by the way if two people from Sconnie get divorced, are they still brother and sister? The best gift I ever received was a half used bottle of suntan lotion from -r-'s mother. Feel the love, and don't get burned.

L Sass said...

Darn, my question was "Is it more important to get a non-ugly couch or a big TV?"
Clearly, H's opinion on flat screen TVs is of vital importance to the masses!

Dear L Sass,

It is more important to get a big tv, because there is no such thing as a non-ugly couch. Couches come in two kinds. Comfy ( the kind I like) and non-comfy ( the kind -r- likes).

Noelle said...

Dear -H-,
If your wife was taller, would you have bought a larger television?
- also -
If that television could only show 1 television show, 1 movie, and 1 sporting team for the rest of its life, which of each of those three would you chose?

Dear Noelle,

If my wife was taller, she would then be tall enough to knee me in the groin. Therefore no tv. If I had to pick: The Simpsons, Fight Club, and the Vikings ( replays of '98 season).

Lawyerish said...

Marmite Breath stole my question (the one about falling in love with -R-). Dang!
Ok, here's some more:
What's your favorite thing about where you live (geographically, not the house itself)?
What is the best thing you bring to your marriage?
Have you ever been to New York City, and if so, what did you think of it?
If you were on death row, what would be your last meal?

Dear Lawyerish,

I like Minnesota because it has seasons and plenty of drunk sconnies creep over to make me feel like less of a drunk. The ability to lift heavy objects and reach tall shelves. No, I have never been to New York. The Olive Garden's never ending pasta bowl.

Galoot said...

What are the specs on that TV? Your wife won't answer important questions like that! Screen dimensions? LCD or plasma? Are you going to get HD programming through cable or satellite or get an antenna and pick up a free signal? This is life or death!

Dear Galoot,

55 inches, HD LCD 1080i rear projection sony with the vega engine. Two HDMI ports, two widescreen inputs and four component inputs. We get local channels in HD through cable. I bought an up converter/recorder DVD. The Wii and the PS2 look beautiful on it. Next come the receiver and speakers for the surround.

sognatrice said...

I'm going to throw out a softball:
How much wood *could* a woodchuck chuck (if a woodchuck could chuck wood)?
And also, how many consecutive times can you say that without screwing up? I'm relying on -R- for verification here.

Dear Sognatrice,

I really don't know. I do know how many bullets a woodchuck can take if the woodchuck is rabid. One (a true tale from the farm!!!!!)


don't call me MA'AM said...

1. What is your favorite flavor of gum?
2. Without getting too specific, what was your favorite legal issue you've had to resolve?
3. If you could name a crayon after yourself, what color and name would it be?
4. If you complete a task at home, but -R- doesn't see you do it, did it really happen?
5. If you and -R- could go anywhere in the world and do whatever you wanted, what would YOU want to do?
6. What was your favorite book when you were growing up?

Dear don't call me MA'AM,

I like Big Red or Bazooka Joe. Can a cop pull someone over for having busted headlights on a sunny day? I said no and the judge agreed and it saved my client four years of prison. My crayon would be blue and it would be called "Your wife just blue me". My favorite book was "Where the Red Fern Grows" the movie sucked.

Jenny said...

1. Which one is your favorite toe?
2. What did -R- tell you that you could NOT tell us about?

Dear Jenny,

-r-'s little pinky toe. It is the cutest toe in the history of feet. I cannot tell you such information even if I had such information for me to tell to you about the information that is secret information even if such information exist, which it may not but if it did i could tell you if it did.... or not.....because it doesn't. Does that clear things up?

This post by H PURPOSEFULLY CONtains bad grammur and spellings because i like it that way and it drivves -r_ crazy. -R- has absolved herself of all punctuation related mishaps that might occurrr

I also dispense sage advice for those interested.

PEACE OUT Y'ALL

H

13 comments:

Marmite Breath said...

(a) Am I first? Holy Baby Jesus on a Pogo Stick!
(b) Thank God you agree that I am awesome. But seriously, you said I was tiny, and that makes me LURVE you. I know you meant tiny as in short, but people will assume that you mean tiny skinny, and they will never picture me as a turnip again. If, in fact, people are picturing me. Which you know they are. Because of the awesomeness.
(c) The response to Galoot's question made me go into a coma.
(d) Dying laughing at the rabid woodchuck.
(e) I wondered what a frakkin Sconnie was, so thanks for clearing that up.

Oh, and -R- (Roderigo), the jig is up. You like the Spice Girls.

Zigazig Haaaaa haaaaaahahahahahahaha.

jen from boston said...

A+

sognatrice said...

Well I'm glad to *finally* have that rabid woodchuck vs. bullet thing settled; that was the last part of my question, but Blogger ate it.

I also loved the answer about saving -R- or the TV. Excellent, excellent response.

Oh, and -R-, I repeat because I couldn't have said it any better myself:

Zigazig Haaaaa haaaaaahahahahahahaha.

3carnations said...

Well, I guess that's what I get for not asking a question. Apparently my disbelief has antagonized -H-. In my defense, I was very encouraging when the idea of -H- doing a guest post first came up...After months pass, it seemed unlikely that it would happen. Still, no need to be so harsh... :)

stefanie said...

Dear H,

I think you have confused Wisconsin with Alabama. You are still on thin ice with me, Mr. Perhaps we will have to organize some sort of drinking contest to sort it out.

Alas, you have sort of redeemed yourself by your very sweet answer about R's pinky toe. And the one about her dancing to the Spice Girls in her apartment. Did you know she says you won her over by singing a song from Conan O'Brien about 3-inch bees?

Noelle said...

I would totally pick The Simpsons as well. It contains so many cultural references, it's like watching many shows at once. Also, when you factor in 18 years, that's a lot of TV. Thanks for playing along and making me laugh!

L Sass said...

H, you are funny!

-R-, nice catch!

I still say AS and I need a non-ugly couch before a big TV.

Also, I also think Minnesota rocks, but you both should come visit NYC someday soon! I will point out all of the MN-based stores!

lizgwiz said...

Excellent, diplomatic and yet still incredibly manly answer re: -R- or the TV.

"Where the Red Fern Grows" was based on a true story, and took place outside my small hometown. (The dogs were actually killed by a wild boar, not a mountain lion.) The author was a friend of my aunt's family, and I got to meet him a couple of times. The movie was filmed in and around my hometown when I was in elementary school, and it was VERY exciting--suckage or no. Some of my classmates were in it. (Maybe that explains the suckage?)

Galoot said...

You rock H!

Maliavale said...

Best! H, start a blog.

Can we vote on our favorite answers now? Because (true tale from the farm!!!!) had me at hello.

Irene said...

H is one wise man. ;p

Whiskeymarie said...

My husband would NEVER do this.
Never, ever.
Good job!

On a side note to H-
When I lived in Duluth, it always made me & my friends feel better about our rock star lifestyle whenever we went across the bridge to Superior. Compared to some of our WI counterparts, we looked like sober nuns.
;)

metalia said...

HA! I seriously cannot stop laughing. H needs his own blog, yo.