Wednesday, May 31, 2006

It's Thursday! (Well, It Will Be In a Few Hours)

H is going out of town for work tomorrow and will be gone for six days. My Thursday Thirteen today is thirteen reasons you should care about H's trip.

1. I will be lonely, which might make you feel sad.
2. He will miss English Dandy Friday AGAIN.
3. I was totally going to take a picture of H and his English Dandy outfit and publish it here for the world to see.
4. H likes to pose for pictures, so it was going to be a fantastic picture that you would have loved.
5. I normally share most of the boring stuff from my day with H, but now I am probably going to bore you with it.
6. For example, I had another weird elevator encounter today.
7. I just spent 15 minutes trying to find the prior elevator encounter this is related to, but either I never wrote about it, or I just suck at searching my own archives.
8. So the back story is that one time this guy and I were riding in the elevator, and it went from the first floor to the 20th, paused, and then went back to the first floor, which was a problem since both of us were trying to go to floors higher than 20.
9. Today I ended up on the elevator with the same guy again. This time, the elevator went up to 24, then just stopped, and the buttons that had been lit for the floors we had selected all went out. Before the elevator could decide to go back down to 1 again, I re-selected my floor, the elevator actually went up to my floor, and the doors even opened. It was amazing!
10. Yes, when H is gone, I will have a lot more stories like that. Please still come back and read my blog. Or I will be even lonelier!
11. Does that make me sound desperate? I'm not. I don't care whether you read my blog or not. (Please read it.)
12. I will probably have some stories of H's trip to share with you.
13. One of H's coworkers who shall be traveling with him is named Christopher Ch@mp@gne. I think that if you travel with Christopher Ch@mp@gne, you will automatically have good stories to share.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Speaking of Friends

I have added some new blogs to my sidebar. Check them out!

Edited 5/31 to add: And here is one more!

Monday, May 29, 2006

You're My Best Friend, and I Love You*

I just got back from Texas (four hours late... darn you, Continental Airlines and your decision to cancel my flight and to rebook me on a flight that leaves at 11:30 am TOMORROW without asking me). We had so much fun. The bride looked GORGEOUS, the wedding was very sweet, the reception was a great party, my speech went well (despite my crying during it), our sidetrip to Austin to see H's sister was really fun, and I really just enjoyed seeing my friend and celebrating her new marriage.

I am really nostalgic right now for college and kind of wishing I lived in Dallas just so I could see my friend all the time and hang out with her amazing friends. I, for really the first time, understand why some people live in the same area all their lives- so that they don't have to miss their best friends all the time.


Thursday, May 25, 2006

Let's make marriage our b!tch

The title of today's post is what my friend (the bride) wrote at the end of her e-mail to me today. I think it will also be how I end my speech:

"I am so excited to be here with my friend today as she starts her marriage to this wonderfuly guy. I know they will be very happy together. Now let's go out and make marriage our b!tch. Go team! Amen."

I have to go write my real speech now so that I don't end up writing it on a napkin during cocktail hour. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Thirteen Things

A continuation on the apparent theme of the week:

Thirteen Words or Phrases Not to Use in a Wedding Toast

1. genetalia

2. ex-boyfriend (or ex-girlfriend)

3. ex-husband (or ex-wife)

4. STD

5. racist language (I admit this is not a phrase, but apparently some people need to be reminded that it is not appropriate for a wedding toast - and that it is NEVER appropriate)

6. testicles

7. orgy

8. conquest

9. Kenny Chesney butt pictures (don't worry- the link is not to any pictures!)

10. arrest, conviction, or rap sheet (as in "Remember the time you got arrested?" or "I knew you two were meant to be when you stayed together despite the multiple arrests")

11. bikini wax

12. "I was so surprised to see that the bride actually wore white."

13. macarena

Can you think of any words that I am forgetting?

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Part 2

Yesterday, I promised to deliver the story of the tackiest wedding speeches, and I shall not break my promise.

H and I attended a wedding to which we were not invited. Weird, strange, tacky... yes, I know. The story behind this is that our nephew was the ringbearer for the wedding of the friends of H's sister (and H's sister's husband). The sister-in-law asked H and I to babysit their two kids after the dinner so that she and her husband could enjoy the reception. The sister-in-law then invited us to attend the dinner part of the reception. I said, no, we would find our own dinner. (FYI: this wedding was taking place in a town several hours from where H and I lived.) The sister-in-law said that the bride and groom had already ok'ed inviting us to the dinner, so we decided to go.

Finally, to the actual part of the story about the wedding. H and I showed up at the reception and noticed that the guests were an interesting cast of characters. One girl's outfit was so skimpy that H nicknamed her Low Self-Esteem Girl. One guest was wearing a canary yellow tuxedo. Another guest was wearing hole-ridden jeans and a t-shirt advertising Marlboros.

The dinner was fine. And then the best man stood up to give a toast. I can quote the first line to you because I don't think I will ever be able to forget it: "[Bride] and [Groom] are so similar that they are just like the same person except with different genitalia." Oh, yeah. You just know that any toast that includes the word "genitalia" is going to be good. The best man mentioned some drunken indiscretions of the groom and talked about how many ladies the groom had slept with, which is always a nice addition to any speech given in front of one's grandparents. I will say one good thing: the speech was pretty short. So way to go, guy.

The best man's toast was followed by the maid of honor's. She started by saying that the bride and groom had met on spring break one year and had spent the whole week in Cancun having sex with each other. Lovely. She followed this up by talking about the time the bride and groom had been having sex at the bride's parents' house and the bride's dad almost walked in on them, but, luckily, the groom managed to escape detection by hiding naked in the closet. And I cannot even congratulate the maid of honor on being shortwinded. I remember the description of sexual exploits going on and on. I did notice that the toast brought tears to the eyes of the bride's parents, but I am not sure that they were tears of joy.

Monday, May 22, 2006


I am giving a toast/speech at my friend's wedding on Saturday. Any advice? Please, I need help.

In honor of the upcoming wedding toast/speech, I will tell you about two weddings I attended where I witnessed speeches of infamy.

The first SOI (speech of infamy) was at a wedding of one of H's friends. The bride's two sisters talked for about five minutes. They were wasted. They were young and blonde. At the end of the speech, one of the sisters made a semi-racist comment. All heads in the room swiveled to look at the two non-white people in the room, who happened to be sitting next to me. I did not look over at them, but I believe they just pretended like they hadn't heard the comment. For the record, both the bride and groom looked horrified at the sister's comment.

After the bridesmaids' SOI, the best man stood to talk. We were all waiting for him to finish talking so that we could start our meal. But he kept talking. And talking. And talking. And talking. After at least five minutes, the guy next to me whispered, "At the next pause, just start clapping." So when the best man took a deep breath, our table started applauding, and everyone joined in. Everyone clapped until the best man finally raised his glass in a toast, and we succesfully ended another SOI.

Tomorrow: Tales of the Tackiest SOIs Ever

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Ascot Friday

On Thursday night H asked me if he owned any ascots. I said no.

"What is an ascot?" H asked.

I explained that it was some kind of silky tie/scarf for men. I asked why he had a sudden interest in ascots. H told me that he and some of the other guys in his office decided that Friday was going to be Ascot Friday. Unfortunately, H had to go to work without an ascot. But when H got to work, it turned out that none of the guys had ascots, so they walked to a nice menswear store (actually, it is a haberdashery) to hunt down some ascots. The ascots were $80! The idea of Ascot Friday was quickly abandoned. Instead, next week there is going to be English Dandy Friday. Now we have to find him a pipe and a brandy snifter.

Thursday, May 18, 2006


H is feeling much better today.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Thirteen Things

I like to do these thirteen things posts on Thursdays (aka Wednesday nights), but I am having a hard time thinking of a topic this week. H is nearly passed out on the couch because his back was hurting, so he took some of his pain medication before I got home. We have been having conversations such as this:

H: R.....
Me: Can I get something for you?
H: What?
Me: Can I get something for you?
H: Yes.
Me: Ok, what can I get?
H: Get what?
Me: Can I get something for you? Do you want the heating pad or an ice pack?
H: Yes.
Me: Which do you want?
H: What?
Me: Do you want the heating pad?
H: No.
Me: Do you want the ice pack?
H: No.
Me: Ok. I'm glad we had this chat.

Seriously, we have had this conversation (or close to it) at least 5 times, and I have only been home for 45 minutes.

So, anyway, thirteen things... umm... Shoot, H is trying to climb the stairs, and it is not going well. I'll be back.

Ok. He is safe in bed.

Thirteen Things I Liked About College:

1. Everyone I knew was about the same age as me.
2. The professor with whom I worked on my thesis was (and still is) an amazing teacher and person.
3. Most of the professors actually cared about the students.
4. There was no pressure to bill any certain number of hours.
4.5. I did not even know what billable hours were.
5. I could take naps sometimes.
6. It never got cold enough to snow where I went to college.
7. Going out on Thursdays was not just acceptable but frequently expected.
8. I thought I was really cool and mature, which was a fun way to feel. I was neither cool nor mature in all actuality, but that is ok.
9. Studying abroad. My summer in Ireland was one of most fun experiences I have ever had.
10. Learning.
11. Taking classes just because the topic was interesting to me.
12. Gathering to watch "Party of Five" every week. (Nerd!)
13. Trying new things.

Sorry so sappy!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Bring It On*

There is a meme that I have seen somewhere (I thought here and here, but now I can't find it anywhere) that asks what movies you hate that everyone else loves. In the hopes of attracting lots of hate mail, here are some of mine:

that claymation Rudolph movie (creepy claymation)

Forrest Gump (too long, too sappy, etc)

Braveheart (I made myself watch the whole first hour despite wanting to stab myself in the eyes because I hated it so much, and then I gave up)

Charlie Brown movies (no explanation, I just don't like them)

H made me watch the movie Serenity, which I found out later was based on some sci fi tv show (Firefly- I have never heard of this show). It was actually a good movie, and I am not particularly fond of sci fi or action movies. The reason I looked up Serenity is that I recognized one of the actresses from somewhere. After looking her up, I discovered that she was Becca from the tv show Flash Forward, which used to be on the Disney Channel or the Family Channel 10 or more years ago. I don't remember ever watching this show, but I do have a (not so) secret (anymore) love for the Disney and Family Channels. I haven't watched either for a few years, but I used to love their cheesy movies, like Gotta Kick It Up!. That is not really a good one, and I don't know if I even saw the whole thing, but that was the only one for which I could even think of a search phrase. (I searched "si, se puede," in case you were wondering). And that is my embarrassing admission of the day.

*Not one of my favorite movies, but I don't hate it.

Monday, May 15, 2006


I may have crossed some boundaries (commenting on the occasional blog from work), but I just typed out part of a strange conversation I had with one of my bosses and then deleted it because that is one boundary that I am not yet ready to cross. I have mentioned work before, but I do have some limits (surprisingly).

H and I watched Grey's Anatomy tonight. I am not sure why the writers are trying to have every possibly crazy thing that could ever happen occur in this one (freakishly long) episode. It is too much. H hates all the characters now. I only kind of hate all the characters now. At least H admitted that George's girlfriend is not hot.

I am reading Wicked right now. I am not providing a link because the book is horrible. I do not suggest reading it. I am determined to finish it though, so I am basically going to skim the last 200 pages so that I can just be done with it. Why do I insist on finishing books I don't like? Does anyone else do this? No? Ok. Just wondering.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Blogging for the Sake of It

Anyone in Boston or know someone who is and wants to hang out with my sister? She is doing a rotation at a vet hospital there and is basically bored out of her mind. The work is ok, but she is living at the hospital and has no transportation, so if you are looking for a cool new person to hang out with during the next two weeks, and you are not a freak, I can hook you up. Although if you respond to this, you probably are a freak, so never mind.

I am thinking of doing a FAQ for my blog instead of the profile thing. If you have any interesting questions you would like me to answer, let me know.

But I know what you are really wondering: what did I think of the series finale of The West Wing? Good question. I thought it wrapped everything up nicely, and it had a lot (relatively) of Dule Hill, but it just didn't have the special feeling that some other episodes (mainly Seasons 1-4) have had.

Now I am off to watch Grey's Anatomy. (I am pretending you care.)

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Hot Date

When H was driving me home from the airport, we saw a car with the license plate "MEOW 9."

What would you do if this woman came to pick you up for a date and her license plate said "MEOW 9"? The correct answer is RUN! Unless you want to hear all about her 9 cats: Fluffy, Mittens, Patches, Socks, Buttons, Floppy, Princess, Sir Stripes, and Leroy.

Also, in unrelated news, I would just like to add: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! PAM AND JIM!

(I realize that is the second tv-related-hook-up-squeal on my blog, but it is my blog so I will squeal all I want.)

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Brought to You by the Letter N

From Guinness Girl (also to be found on Oy Vey's blog):

This is how it works: Comment on this entry and I will give you a letter. Write ten words beginning with that letter in your blog, including an explanation of what the word means to you and why, and then pass out letters to those who want to play along.

I was assigned the letter N.

1. No one is who I told about my blog until last Friday. Now I have told a few friends, including the friend I mentioned whose birthday I forgot. Hi, Gopi! Sorry about that again!

2. Nerdle is what I call H because we are losers dorks so cool. I am just all about posting embarrassing information this week apparently.

3. Nanny goat was a game played by my best friend's little sister when she was in the first grade. She would yell, "Nanny goat!" and run at me head first. It was not a very fun game.

4. Nebraska is what I answer when people ask me where I grew up. The letter N reminds me of a Nebraska joke: What does the N stand for on the University of Nebraska football helmets? Nowledge.

5. Norbert is a little stuffed bear my dad gave me when I was about 10. Why did I name my bear Norbert, you ask? Because that is an awesome name for a bear. He looks like a Norbert:

6. Nonchalant is fun to say!

7. Negligence reminds me of law school and Torts class. For Halloween my first year, one of my friends dressed as the Reasonable Man, which is hilarious when you are a drunk 1L.

8. No Doz is something I've never taken. Just a cup of coffee is enough to make me pretty wired.

9. Nieces and nephews are two words that I am counting as one. I never had any until I got married, and now I have 7.

10. Neuroscience was the major of one of my best friends in college. I haven't talked to her in a long time, and I miss her.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Please Don't Judge Me

Check out my high-tech use of post-it notes.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Interesting People in Las Vegas

1. Little Straw Hat Ladies. My plane to Las Vegas contained lots of interesting people, many who really wanted to consume a little bottle or two of vodka at 9 am. My favorite people on the plane were a group of 60-year-old ladies and two 30-year-old ladies who were all wearing identical barrettes: little straw hats, the size of hockey pucks, with red ribbons tied around the mini-brims. Some were also wearing pins that looked like margaritas and martinis, while the rest wore pins that flashed neon colors. Very flashy for a Friday morning.

2. Phoenix Girls. The girls in line behind us to get into the "male revue." They were wasted and obnoxious. I was ok with the wasted part, but I got somewhat annoyed after they tried to pick a fight with the Texans (my friend and her three other friends) and me for the third time. One girl kept pushing me, and when I asked her to stop, she yelled, "I'M FROM PHOENIX!" Well, I guess I can't argue with that. Then the bouncer came over to talk with them, and they had their picture taken with him for some reason. They were easily distracted and left us alone after that.

3. The Dancers. The guys from the show were interesting. I am so embarrassed to admit I even went to TTFDU, but I did. It was so cheesy. My friend (the bachelorette) made us get our pictures taken with the guys afterwards, and one of the guys was really friendly and talked to my friend for a little while. He kept asking her about her job. (She is a labor and employment attorney.) I told her later that he may have been hinting that he needed some legal advice re: sexual harassment, as she smacked his ass several times.*

4. Me. I have to make fun of myself here. In the picture with the guys of TTFDU, all the Texans were posing with their arms around the guys and being silly. I am in the middle of the picture, glowing because I am so white, sitting on this guy's lap, and leaning about as far away from him as possible. I am such a nerd! But in my defense, he was covered with baby oil. The picture cracks me up.

5. Miss Thong. We spent most of Saturday at the pool, which was so lovely. After we had been there awhile, a couple sat in the lounge chairs in front of us. The guy was old, and the woman was much, much younger, with b00bs the size of watermelons, and wearing a thong or a g-string or something very, very small. She covered herself in tanning oil and proceeded to reapply the lotion to her butt every two to five minutes. Aaa!

6. Bookie Guy. I called H on Saturday and told him that the De la Hoya/Mayurga fight was going to happen in our hotel that night. H asked me to put $20 on Mayorga to win. I went to the sports betting area, which was pretty busy because the Kentucky Derby was also this weekend. I waited in the shortest line, but after a minute, I realized it was the shortest because it was for the Derby only, and the minimum bet was $500. Not quite what I was looking for! So I found the right line, and when I got to the front I said, "20 on Mayorga to win." I probably pronounced the name wrong, but the guy said sincerely, "Good bet." Aw, yeah. I am an awesome gambler! I felt so proud. I am sure the guy said it to everyone, but I choose to pretend that he was singling my bet out as a good one. Then Mayorga lost, but hey, it was fun.

7. Top Chef. We went to Tao at the Venetian for dinner. The food was ok, but nothing special. The exciting part was that the waitress in the section next to ours was Tiffani from "Top Chef." A pseudo-celebrity sighting!

8. Bartenders. After dinner, we went to the club at Tao. The Texans managed to get us onto the VIP list somehow, and we didn't have to wait to get in. The first thing we did inside was order drinks. The bartenders were so quick and good... and nice! I ordered a screwdriver, which cost $11, but it was more like a full glass of vodka with just a splash of orange juice. The vodak was Grey Goose though, so I can't complain.

9. The Texans. My friend wears Coach sunglasses and Wal-Mart jeans, and I love her for it (although I would love her more if the jeans were from Target, not Wal-Mart). The Texans were really fun, and I was glad to meet them. One of them even let me borrow her hairspray (quite the sacrifice for a Texan) since I forgot mine. I can't wait to hang out with them again at the wedding in three weeks.

*She didn't really slap anyone's ass. I just wish she had because it would have been funny.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

I'm Back!

The Vegas trip was great. After I get some sleep, I will try to write something about it.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Thirteen Things

It is Wednesday night again, but whatever. This is the way I do things.

Thirteen Things I Have Forgotten

1. My best friend's birthday. It was Monday, but I didn't remember until 4 pm today. I immediately called her and apologized about 57 times. She forgot my birthday a few years ago though, so I think we are even.

2. What it feels like to wear comfortable shoes. I wear high heels almost every day now, and my feet are not happy. My sneakers suck though and make my feet cramp up. It is definitely time to go shopping. If you have any comfy shoes to recommend, please leave a comment!

3. How to crochet. So what if I never really knew how. When I was in elementary school, I tried to crochet a blanket, but it ended up just being a blanket for my Barbies. And it had a big hole in the middle. But I kind of wish I knew how to crochet now that a few of my friends are having babies and I would like to make them something cute. I can kind of knit, but not that well.

4. How to make time to exercise. Why can I make the time to blog but not exercise? I am just lazy.

5. The feel of soft sand under my toes. It has been way too long since I have been to the beach. Maybe we can take a quick weekend trip for our first anniversary...

6. What life was like before Google. Google, I love you!

7. That just because someone is a jerk, not everything they do is infused with jerkiness. Basically, once I decide someone is an idiot or a jerk, then EVERYTHING that person does is completely stupid, annoying, or mean. I need to realize that people I don't like have shades of gray and, for the most part, are not 100% horrible.

8. How much fun my friend is. I can't wait to spend time with her in Las Vegas! The last time I saw her was at my own wedding, and we didn't have much time to just hang out.

9. How to speak without a Minnesota accent. I have only been here for - whoa, it will be two years at the end of this month - almost 2 years, and I can hear the change in the way I say words with the long "o" sound. I suck at imitating accents, yet I pick them up pretty quickly.

10. Everything I learned in my high school calculus class. And geometry. And trig.

11. What "once removed" means when speaking of relatives. Is my cousin once removed the same as my second cousin? I used to know that.

12. What time "House" is on. I have only seen it a few times because I can never figure out when it is on tv.

13. The theme song to "Family Ties." All I know is that it ends with "Sha na na na." That is a really odd thing to remember that I forgot. And that last sentence is just odd.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

This One Ends With A Broken Window

I was stressed out today. I shouldn't be. I am going to Las Vegas this weekend with my friend who is getting married over Memorial Day weekend. The travelers are my friend, the two other bridesmaids, my friend's friend from work, and me. They are all paying for their plane tickets with frequent flyer miles, while I am paying with good ol' cash (actually, credit, but whatever). They want to go to a spa and get expensive treatments; I agreed to the most expensive pedicure ever. They want to have a super swanky dinner; why not - how often do I treat myself to an expensive dinner. They want to go to clubs; sounds like fun. And today they announced they want to go to a show; I freaked out. This is turning into an $800 weekend, and I don't have $800. Plus, I will have to fly to the wedding, while the others live much, much closer and will be driving. I have been stressed about money lately anyway, and when I tried to figure out whether I could go to the show or not, I started crying because I couldn't figure out how to tell my friend that I couldn't afford all this. It is not such a big deal, and I am ok now, but I cried. At work. Awesome. There was no sobbing or anything, just a few silent tears, and then I got over it. No one saw, thank goodness. I am looking forward to seeing my friend and to going to Las Vegas for the first time. And I don't think the things my friend wants to do are out of hand. I am just stressed. But I will have fun!

So after the crying, I did my work but just kind of felt weird all day. Then the bus dropped me off at the bus station, and I walked to my car to discover that the driver's side rear window has been smashed. Oh joy. I called H. Ten times. He never answered. There was still some glass in my window, but I didn't want to push it all into my car or onto the street, so I just started driving. And the remaining glass sprayed everywhere, and I am lucky I didn't hit anyone with it. I called the police station, and they told me that I couldn't report this by phone; I had to bring my car to the police station. And then it started raining.

Enough of the pity party. Again, it is not a big deal. H and I have money in savings that I can use to pay for most of the Las Vegas activities and the car window. Nothing was stolen from my car. (Nothing was in my car.) But what a hassle. Aargh.

So the bigger issue: I am traveling to Las Vegas with four Texas women, and I have no Aquanet and no cowboy (cowgirl?) boots. Whatever am I to do?! Also, I have no slutty clothes! Are they even going to let me into Las Vegas?