Wednesday, December 13, 2006

I Do It All For You

Thirteen Pearls Of Wisdom I Think It Is My Duty To Share With You

Alternate Title: Thirteen Things I Have Learned the Hard Way, But Only For Your Benefit

1. Do not use the finger with which you just applied Carmex to your lips to wipe your eye five seconds letter.
2. Your eye will start watering like a mofo, and basically, your eye will just start crying.
3. That will also be the exact moment your coworker will come into your office to ask how your annual review went.

4. When, during an interview, the interviewer admits that she is 50, try not to look super shocked.
5. If you do look super shocked, pretend that it is because you thought she was much younger, and not, in fact, because she actually looks at least 75.

6. When you are wearing glasses, make sure that you look through the lenses when you are trying to judge how high a curb is.
7. If you do end up falling into the street, try to get up quickly.

8. Try to focus on what people are saying during a meeting.
9. Otherwise, you might start thinking of something really funny that happened about three years ago, and then you might try to stifle a laugh and end up snorting.
10. Fake coughs will not disguise the fact that you just snorted.

11. When you are speaking with a group of judges, do not end the conversation by saying, "Thanks, guys!"

12. Check out links on the blogs you like, in both the sidebar and in the comments.
13. You may find some new blogs that you will fall in love with, like Metalia or LizLand.

13 comments:

Marmite Breath said...

You said "You guys" ??

Hahahahahahahah!!! Did they say, "Uh, you mean Your Royal Highnesses"? or did they offer to take you out for a beer?

I am always worried that my doctor is going to tell me to stop calling him Honey. Okay, I don't call him Honey, I call him Doc. It is better than calling him Doctor Whateverhisnameis. I might start calling him Lovah. Or dude.

3carnations said...

If you eat buffalo wings, you should wash your hands repeatedly before taking out your contacts. Trust me on that one.

I am having so much trouble posting comments to people using the beta version of Blogger...

Christine said...

Nice, "you guys"! You crack me up. Next time you should start with high fives all around.

stefanie said...

1. I had a friend in high school who applied Carmex to his eyelids on purpose. Yeah, he was weird.

4.-5. That is totally something I would do (and probably already have). Same with 8.-9.

Lawyerish said...

"Thanks guys!" HAHAHAHAHA!

See, now THAT is something I'm going to think of in the middle of a meeting and snort, and then try to cover it up with coughing.

Which, sadly, has happened to me too many times to count.

Janet said...

Speaking of checking out links, you have some interesting links on your sidebar! These two "Libragirl Libras=People Too" and
"Marmite Breath The UK Meets Nebraska" cracked me up!

Carmen said...

very good advice that I'll try to follow!

lizgwiz said...

Those are all good tips. Here's another--when forcing a particularly bitter pill (and I mean that literally, not metaphorically) down your cat's throat, do NOT wipe the sweat from your face with the hand that just held the pill. You WILL get some of the taste in your mouth, and then you'll know just why the cat froths so much after.

And awww....thanks for the plug!

jes said...

Wait. I'm clueless. Why don't you want to say, "Thanks, guys!"?

Also, is that how they get actors to start crying? By putting Carmex in their eyeballs?

I never knew.

metalia said...

Awww, thanks for the shout out, R! I'm loving your blog, too :)

WIth respect to your Carmex mishap, I've done the EXACT same thing with Blistex, and it is hell. I feel your pain.

This list is cracking me up, by the way.

Janet said...

lol this gave me a good giggle

-R- said...

I love that I am not alone with my crazy mishaps. Thanks, guys! (Heh.)

guinness girl said...

This might be my favorite list you have ever written, R. ;) I LOVE the "Thanks, Guys!". Sounds very much like something I would do...similar to the time I called a minister "Dude".