Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Part 2

Yesterday, I promised to deliver the story of the tackiest wedding speeches, and I shall not break my promise.

H and I attended a wedding to which we were not invited. Weird, strange, tacky... yes, I know. The story behind this is that our nephew was the ringbearer for the wedding of the friends of H's sister (and H's sister's husband). The sister-in-law asked H and I to babysit their two kids after the dinner so that she and her husband could enjoy the reception. The sister-in-law then invited us to attend the dinner part of the reception. I said, no, we would find our own dinner. (FYI: this wedding was taking place in a town several hours from where H and I lived.) The sister-in-law said that the bride and groom had already ok'ed inviting us to the dinner, so we decided to go.

Finally, to the actual part of the story about the wedding. H and I showed up at the reception and noticed that the guests were an interesting cast of characters. One girl's outfit was so skimpy that H nicknamed her Low Self-Esteem Girl. One guest was wearing a canary yellow tuxedo. Another guest was wearing hole-ridden jeans and a t-shirt advertising Marlboros.

The dinner was fine. And then the best man stood up to give a toast. I can quote the first line to you because I don't think I will ever be able to forget it: "[Bride] and [Groom] are so similar that they are just like the same person except with different genitalia." Oh, yeah. You just know that any toast that includes the word "genitalia" is going to be good. The best man mentioned some drunken indiscretions of the groom and talked about how many ladies the groom had slept with, which is always a nice addition to any speech given in front of one's grandparents. I will say one good thing: the speech was pretty short. So way to go, guy.

The best man's toast was followed by the maid of honor's. She started by saying that the bride and groom had met on spring break one year and had spent the whole week in Cancun having sex with each other. Lovely. She followed this up by talking about the time the bride and groom had been having sex at the bride's parents' house and the bride's dad almost walked in on them, but, luckily, the groom managed to escape detection by hiding naked in the closet. And I cannot even congratulate the maid of honor on being shortwinded. I remember the description of sexual exploits going on and on. I did notice that the toast brought tears to the eyes of the bride's parents, but I am not sure that they were tears of joy.

10 comments:

Red said...

You are KIDDING! I went to a wedding last summer where the maid of honor was basically like, "Well, The Bride and I have fallen out of touch in recent years, but The Groom seems really nice..." Heartwarming.

Boozie said...

Ha ha ha. One of my friends got married and the best man said, "[Bride] is just like one of the guys...she always hangs out late playing pool, she can out drink most of us and she hardly ever pukes!"

They got divorced less than a year later.

schneids said...

HA! note to self---include more sex talk in any toasts i make. Klassy (with a "k").

Yez said...

They had video rolling, right? I say the wedding was all just an elaborate staging for an "America's Funniest Home Video" submission ]:> Bah humbug!

Guinness_Girl said...

Hey, are you sure you aren't talking about MY wedding? Just kidding, (I hope obviously). That's insane! I'd have died. Just DIED.

PreppyGirl said...

Sounds like a Kentucky wedding! (I shouldn't say that, my husband grew up there). At least it made for good blogging!

don't call me MA'AM said...

Wow. I'm stunned! Were most of the guests toothless? Any crazy, drunken brother take over the stage and try to sing like the wedding singer?

EEEK! I'm embarrassed FOR them! Made for a great story for you, though. :-)

Carmen said...

This is why the toasts should be fed via earpiece by a wedding planner, or someone sober, like in the movie with JLo. :)

Sarah said...

At least it made for a good laugh??? I mean, what else can you do in those situations?

shpprgrl said...

Meanwhile dear aunt bertha fainted!

It reminds me of that scene from Wedding Singer when the brother is doing that crazy toast. Bless you for enduring that! I probably would have wet my pants from laughing! You are right, that IS a funny one. (At least you weren't related to them!) ;)

Thanks for sharing!